As I sit here I wonder. I wonder if I am going to end up disappointing every one I care about. I wonder if I am going to disappoint myself. I wonder if I am the only one who feels how I do. I wonder if life is going to pass me by. I am also very grateful for every positive thing that I do have. I love the fact I have a cousin that no matter how much of a bitch I am being will put up with me.I love the fact that I know what its like to love someone with all my heart. Even though I no longer have that person I am appreciative of what I used to have. I think that some people never know that feeling. I love the fact I have friends who are going to be brutally honest with em even if they know it’ll hurt a bit. I also love that I have friends who can’t get mad at me even when I’m a total ass to them. Most of all I love that I care so much. Even though sometime I care too much and get down on my self. I love that I have not become numb. “We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving.”- Friedrich Nietzsche
A poem I have been working on
I got Soul
Like a Jazz Player playing in the Cold
Feeling his fingers Swole
As he grips his Horn of Gold
I know Pain
Like an African Man on the Plains
His whole village in Flames
And he’s the only one who Remains
I have Might
Like a Greek God in a Fight
Battling for his Life
His back stabbed with a Knife
I got feeling like, like, well
Metaphors can’t Describe
The feelings I hold Inside
They can’t show how much I Care
They can’t make you feel my Passion
They can’t show you how I Feel
But if you look deep Enough
You can Feel
You can See
And you Can Receive
So tonight is the “Buena Noche”. It was a decent enough day. I am just wondering what I want. I miss a lot of people in my life. I miss my childhood. I miss being happy. I miss having friends that I loved. I miss when gifts could make me happy. I miss who I used to be. I miss playing sports. I even miss the struggles I used to have in my childhood. I miss struggling. I miss materialism. I miss being immaturity. I miss how I used to be. Most of all I miss having a mrs. But the problem is that every second I sit here and miss the past I miss out. In the words or JFK, “Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”
So today I am opening a new chapter in my life. It is a weird feeling knowing that what i held in such a high regard will now just be another pit stop in the road of life. I wonder how things will be now. I am excited. The nice weather and the independence is rare back home but abundant down here. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and thinking about what I want in life. I realized that all I want is for people to love me for me. I feel kind of lonely as I have for the better part of the last 6 years. It makes me realize that one of the coldest days in my life was a sunny day in South Florida.
I’ve taken a few days off from writing to truly gather my thoughts. I have decided I dwell entirely too much in the past. From this point on I’m living for the present and the future. This weekend at home was warm and inviting. I laid in my own bed which caressed my entire body. I ate meals that were not just yesterdays reheated dinner. Every thing about being home after a long time away feels good. the Christmas tree to the fact I can walk around in nothing but my skivvy’s, is an awesome feeling. It brings me back, appreciative my childhood. Even my dad getting drunk and yelling makes it feel like home. I am not dwelling in the past I am drawing from it for a better future. I am ecstatic for tomorrow. I’m slinging myself down to the Sunshine State so I can soak in some sunny rays. Oh, how I love a sunny day.
This is a poem I wrote August 18, 2010. It’s kind of old but I hope you enjoy.
Boys don’t cry When I feel the moisture in my eyes I am quick to wipe them dry ‘Cause boys don’t cry
What am I to do when I wanna weep As My sadness suppresses all my sleep But boys can’t cry
The idea of me breaking down Is very blatant now My emotions are hard to bury down But I have to because boys don’t cry
I have this great fear of Being in public and beginning to tear up ‘Cause I always heard that boys need to be tough ‘Cause boys don’t cry
As I sat enduring the long ache The kind only found after a heart break So I sit sorrowful with self pity And think to my self “boys don’t cry”
So passionatly I persipitate privately In the only place possible Into my pillow ‘Cause boys don’t cry but men sure do
Today was a duprising change of pace. I’m in a pretty good mood. I feel like I mentally accomplished so much despite physically doing very little. I had alot of soul searching and I realized I need not be so hard on myself. I am always telling others that they need to love themselves more but I’m not listening to my own advice. I am lookin and the world through new eyes. It’s like my life is in HD. In the famous words of Curtis Jackson, “The sun wouldn’t look so bright if it wasn’t for rain. And joy wouldn’t seem so good if it wasn’t for pain.”
Feeling extremely distant today. Despite my close friends being a phone call away, the loneliness combined with the shrilling cold and the murky darkness outside combines for a scene from a sort of depressing horror triller. I feel that when the most people are around I feel the most lonely. I am always Finding ways to make myself depressed without realizing it. Enough emotional 12 year old shit. If a tree in a forest falls does it get made fun of by the rest of trees for being clumsy.
These darn headaches are killing me. My eyes hurt to be open. I can’t seem to get her off my mind. It makes me happy but it also scares me. But the possibility of us being a maybe is all I need to stay positive. I miss you. “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gunna get.” -Forrest Gump
I am slightly askew to how I am feeling. I just found out that the person on this planet I hold to the highest regard became available. She is a symbol of perfection in my eyes. But I don’t quite know how to feel. I am not happy with the fact she broke up with someone who seemed to make her extremely happy. I am happy for a selfish reason that there may be a possibility that me and her can be together once again. But I don’t know if that would really make me happy. You know how you felt in your childhood when Santa wasn’t real. That’s how I am afraid this will end up. What if she doesn’t want me. Or she isn’t as good as i remembered. I don’t know what to do. There are three possibilities. The first would be that I get rejected instantly in which my life will remain stagnant. The second is that she could disappoint me and that it give me the motivation that i have been looking for, for almost three years to get over her. Or lastly, the biggest long shot of the three is that we could work out and things could be how they were before or even better. I don’t know what to do or how I should feel but I am currently leaning towards joy. In the words of George Washington, “Fuck yea, Bitch!!!” Or something like that.